My Previous Online Dating Experience Left Me UnHinged!

Meeting Elijah

This is the story of a 26‑year‑old guy I met on Hinge; I'll call him Elijah. He’s not my usual type. I usually like guys in uniform; he works in marketing. He still lives with his parents, but owns a rental property and said he’s staying home so the renters could pay off his mortgage- smart. His culture isn’t one I typically date, but I wanted to step outside my comfort zone. Maybe my ideal man isn’t really “the one.” Maybe age, culture, occupation- none of that should define love. After matching on Hinge we chatted for two or three days before planning coffee. We exchanged some texts leading up to the date, but I insisted on a FaceTime to avoid being catfished. That call went for 2½ hours-amazing.

On the day of the date we met at 11 a.m. at a trendy coffee shop and ended up talking for five hours. Normally I’m nervous about first dates, especially when they start from apps, but this was effortless. We covered standard questions: life goals, relationship expectations, and kids. When he asked if I wanted kids, I said no. I explained I’d seen too many men be absent mentally and emotionally, leaving their wives with all the responsibility. I told him I’m career‑oriented and envision myself as a “professional wife,” not a stay‑at‑home mom. He asked, “What if roles were equal?” I said in an ideal world it would be but in reality, someone has to pay bills, someone has to stay home. It usually ends with the woman at home. He said he didn’t want kids now but planned for them in the future. We moved on. The date ended with him telling me I was “his best date in a long time.” He was surprised I showed up because apparently lots of girls cancel last‑minute. He said he’d like to continue texting and asked if he could take me out again.

Second Date: Steakhouse & Movie

A week later, he picked me up at my apartment for dinner and a movie. During dinner, he joked that he deleted his dating apps. I said, “Oh…,” and he said: “Deleted the app, not the profile. But I am just kidding.” I laughed it off but stayed thinking what his motive was in saying that. Conversation flowed, drinks were poured, dessert was served. I offered to split the tab and he responded saying “you're cute but we’re not splitting it.” The total dinner bill was $333, he paid. We then went to the theatre which he’d already had the movie tickets for. I thought he had everything planned really well! The night ended with him walking me to my building. We kissed but I didn't invite him up because I want to take things slow. However, on the way home I had sensed a change in his energy. After he left, I texted him about it and he said he was just in his head planning the post-date kiss. Cute.

Third Date: Basketball Game

I’m a basketball fan and would've liked someone to go with to the upcoming game on Friday. I asked him, he said yes. In the days leading up to the game he told me I was the only woman he was seeing and he couldn’t wait to see me Friday. Since I suggested the date, I bought the tickets and got us great seats. The game was fun. We talked throughout, kept up with the score, and our team won! During that date he mentioned he’d been on Hinge for three years; I thought it was a red flag perhaps, but he said girls in this city don’t want commitment and so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He said he’s a late bloomer and hasn’t dated much before. On the way out he asked if I was hungry; I said yes just to spend more time with him but I really wasn't hungry. After going back and forth figuring out where to eat, he suggested making out in the car. I said yes. In the parking garage, we went to my car and… two hours later, things had escalated to heavy making out in my passenger seat. He explored a bit. He asked to go to the back seat; I said no. Not only because the back of my sports car is small but because I was trying to take things slow- moving too fast is a mistake I've made before. While making out, I tried to reach under his shirt, but he’d shift my hand away, saying he still had to get cut. That felt telling like perhaps he was insecure. He knew I was flying to London the next night. He suggested seeing each other before my flight, and I did want to see him too, but I didnt want to go out. I wanted to stay at home, mellow before my flight . As if he could read my mind, he said “I dont want to invite myself but if you want, I can come over, bring food, and hang out.” Then I asked a serious question: “Where do you see us going? I don’t feel comfortable inviting you over while you’re still on the apps (he's on all three.)” He replied that he’d deleted the apps the night of our dinner-and-movie date. I remembered he’d joked about deleting them then, but now he said he actually did... Later, I checked and still saw his profile. When I asked about it, he said, “I deleted the app, not the profile.” I couldnt help but wonder if that was a red flag.

Fourth Date: Pre‑London Hang

At my apartment, it was a Netflix and Chipotle kind of night before my 11 pm redeye flight. My leasing office recently made a guest parking rule where all guests must hang this fancy laminated tag if not, they get towed. Residents only get 2 passes, and we must return it upon moving out if not it’s a $75 fee. I stressed about remembering to get it back from; twice reminding him. We ate, cuddled, watched Netflix, and frenched kissed like we were in Paris. I felt like he controlled the physical boundaries. He’d ask to see my boobs rather than just explore. I thought maybe he was insecure or inexperienced to try. He said my kissing was sensual; his was “sloppy.” Fast forward, it was time to get ready for the airport; I changed in the bedroom (door open), he kissed me again on the bed, but when I tried to explore more, he said, “things could get messy.” I laughed, assuming he meant we were taking things slow. He randomly took off his shirt; he’d been body-conscious before and so that caught me off guard. He’d work out very early in the morning and go all day without eating, then binge on a single massive meal. His go-to being Chick‑fil‑A: 30 nuggets, two chicken sandwiches, and a salad. Although I thought he was sexy, I dont think he thought he was. Anyway, he put his shirt back on, we rushed out. I told him we should swing by his car so I could get the parking pass. He said, “Why? I’m going to see you again. How many passes do you have?” I said, “that one and one other” and he said, “so I can’t keep one?” At that moment I thought I might be overthinking things and like sure, why can’t he keep one if he’s potentially going to be my boyfriend. I let him keep it. He walked me to my car - put my bags in the trunk and he kissed me goodbye. After I passed airport security, I texted him saying “I like you” and he responded saying “aww, I like you too.” We continued to text and about 13 hours later I reach London. The last text I had sent was at 5pm back at home but 1am in London. I asked how work went and he didn’t read or respond. He has his read receipt on in his iPhone and so I can see when he reads my message. I know he’s not required to respond but for some reason I got this sickening feeling that something was off.

THE END

You know that feeling you get where you can’t tell if you’re overthinking or if it’s your gut telling you something? I immediately turned to my friend and she suggested I text him to say I landed safely, but honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to double text. It felt like it would come off as clingy or forced. I’d also read a Reddit thread where people said that when a guy claims he deleted the app but not the profile, it’s a common dating-app line; basically, code for “I plan to get back on eventually.” My mind was spiraling. Around 3pm in London (8am back home the next day) he texted: “Fell asleep, caught up on sleep debt. Hope you’re having fun 🇬🇧.” I felt the shift- it was “plain‑Jane.” No warm or cute text like before. Again, I thought “I’m I overthinking or is my gut telling me something is off.” I didn’t respond to that text. That night in London, he texted: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about things, and I don’t think this is going to work. I’ve been feeling like this recently and after sleeping on it I’m sure on my answer. You’re a great person and you did nothing wrong. I just rather tell you than ghost you. I hope you find your person and thank you for spending time with me.” I felt blindsided. I thought he liked me, implied we had chemistry, he said I was the only one he was seeing and we were working towards a relationship. I responded and asked if I am great and I didn’t do anything wrong then why wouldn't it work and he said the disconnect was that he wants kids and I don't, and he didn’t want me to “change my mind” for him. He said he’d return the parking pass when I got home. I messaged him back saying, “You led me on. If kids were serious for you; why a second date? Why see me three more times?” No response.

THOUGHTS

My question to you, the reader is what do you think: Was this red flag material or normal online dating behavior? Was ending things right after I flew overseas a jerk move? Could his motives have been physical? Maybe he thought - she can't be wifey because she doesnt want kids but maybe we can be casual? Could his insecurities explain his behavior? But most importantly, should I have gone on a second date after he admitted wanting kids but knowing very well, that I don't want any? Dating differently than I normally do, feeling like I was doing things right and him reciprocating that feeling had me thinking this would turn into something more. To then face this plot twist and get that random text from him claiming he'd been feeling like its not going to work all along left me feeling blindsided, confused, and that maybe a relationship isn't meant for me after so many failed attempts at dating.

p.s: i got my pass back!